I think my anxiety, especially in crowds, goes back to something that happened when I was younger maybe about 7 yrs old. Me and my Dad were caught in a riot while attending a football game to this day i remember being pushed around and feeling very overwhelmed by what was happening, i struggled to sleep for a while after and now years later i still find it hard being in large spaces. I get anxious in crowds and often suffer from panic attacks after being in these situations.
I've always had issues with fitting in with "normal" society. I was the weird kid. Now I'm the weird adult. I see all these “regular people " going about their lives and i feel so different to them. i struggle with this and i I just want to be accepted by “normal” people.
I was recently diagnosed with another mental illness on top of my anxiety. Dissociative identity disorder otherwise used to be known as Multiple personality disorder.it makes me feel even more alone. I don't even know what alter I am. I don't know if I have ever been my original self or if I'm just one mass of alters. I don't know because I can never remember. I feel like "normal society" is even further way and reaching it to be accepted is almost impossible now.
I feel really alone and isolated. I'm embarrassed I can't get my shit together. I just want to belong and be like everyone else. I'm tired of being different. People on social media act like it's cool to be different and claim to be a hot mess at life and maybe they are. But it's not fun for me. For once in my life, I just want to be like everyone else. Even for a day.